Personal Rumblings: February/March/April Reflections

My my how time flies. It’s already May and we are almost halfway through the year. Craziness. The past couple of months have been interesting in terms of my mental and emotional state which explains my long absence (not that I am regular about my blogging anyway). February started off fine and then an unexpected repair on my car brought me down and then I spiraled. My spiraling continued throughout March and April was basically the month to pick myself back up. I was reminded of the darkness that I have within myself and hopefully I won’t go there again.

By nature, I am not a positive person; I am a pessimist. I actually consider myself a realist. I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. My high school history teacher said, “Realism is optimism for pessimists,” and I kinda agree with that. Positivity is not something that comes easily to me. I have to work at it and, man, is it work. I always try to keep things in perspective and remember all the things I have be thankful for. I also don’t have a very high opinion of myself, but I try not to dwell on what I am lacking and focus on what I do have. For the most part I have been able to keep my negative thoughts at bay, but my car repair just brought me down and then I did something that I should never do- think. Thinking is bad for me. I am a hardcore over-analyzer and over-thinker. One thought brings me to another thought which brings me to another one which makes me think of the things that happened in the past and what they mean, and why I went through that and blah blah blah. It goes on and on and on.

I was feeling down in February and by March, I was in a full blown emotional spiral mode. Like many people, I have experienced some horrible things and have a not so happy past that I have accepted, but not dealt with which makes my spiraling even worse. A lot negative thoughts and things that I keep at bay, surfaced. I cried a lot and by nature, I am not a crier. I try to avoid it at all costs although, ironically enough, the older I get, the more I seem to cry. I will be so angry that instead of just being pissed I will start to cry; which is hysterical and annoying all at the same time. Anyway, my constant thinking, crying and general depressed state triggered the worst migraine pain that I have had in awhile. I am a chronic migraine sufferer and I get them rather frequently, but they are fairly manageable ( or as manageable as migraines can be). These migraines were so bad that I pretty much missed an entire week of work. All of the symptoms were there- dizziness, nausea, sensitivity to light, noticeably slower speech, and constant head pain. It was awful. I would go to sleep with horrendous migraine pain and then the next morning within 10 minutes  of waking up it would hit me again in full force.

My migraines were a not so subtle wake up call, so April was my “stop thinking and get over yourself” month. I started reading inspirational books and went back to putting things into perspective and just remembering to be thankful. Quite honestly, I have “let go” for the moment or, as I put it, I am “going with God.” The thing that got me through earlier in life was hope. Hope and the belief that life could not always be like this. Now it is hope and blind faith. I have faith that all will work out eventually. For the past few years, I have considered myself lost. I’m not sure why I am here (in the world), what my purpose is, what the heck I want to do with my life etc. I know there is something out there for me- I can feel it- but I just don’t know what it is or when I will get there. As someone who has always known what I wanted to do in life, this lack of direction along with all of my other issues (and there are many), seriously stresses me out and upsets me. Now, I have decided for the forseeable future to stop dwelling on my lack of direction. I will get there, wherever there is, when I get there. In the grand scheme, I am alive, my family is okay, my friends are okay, I have a job, money to pay my bills, a roof over my head, clothes on my back. I am doing pretty damn good when you put it in perspective. I am trying to remember to be thankful for everything and remember that I can’t control certain things in my life, but I can control my reaction to it.

I am trying a vast amount of other things, which I won’t get into as this is already long, and they seem to be helping. I have felt lighter. Certain situations have arisen where I have made the conscious effort to not look at the negative, but try to see the good in the situation and it has worked. Now I am not naïve or unrealistic enough to think that I will never get pissed off, or have a meltdown or have some sort of emotional spiral again at some point-I will always be Dark and Twisty, and  will never ever fully be one of those Bright and Shiny happy people-however, I can continue to just live day by day, try to see the good in each day, and be thankful for each day.



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