Personal Rumblings: July Reflections

Soooooo…….July……..Yeah…. It started off well enough and then the s*** hit the fan at work and basically I was collateral damage in a crazy war between my boss and his boss. I am unexpectedly unemployed and my emotions are all over the place which basically shot all plans to hell.

It’s been about 3 weeks and I am seriously spiraling. I thought I would be fine by now as the first week of unemployment was essentially an emotional rollercoaster with a new emotion being the theme of each day. The second week I temped at my job prior to my previous job and the third week I went on my already planned “vacation” to see my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew (who is the most adorable kid IN THE WORLD.) I am back and I thought I would have my emotions in check, but the emotions are bubbling up and are worse than before. I am doing what I have to do and looking for work, but I am just….blah. I think part of the reason is that the circumstances of my unemployment is just so unfair and ridiculous that it just angers, frustrates, and saddens me.  I won’t go into it here, but the whole situation is screwed up and my being let go had nothing to with me and my performance (which was awesome by the way), but just the fact that I worked for my boss. Both mine and his employment termination are grossly unjust. Also, there is the always looming question of “What the hell am I going to do for money?” I stressed enough about money when I HAD a job and that worry has been multiplied by infinity now that I am jobless. I’ve been looking and sending out my resume, but no hits yet and I am deep into panic mode. The last time I job hunted it took me a year to find a job and I don’t have that kind of time. Especially when I really want a job this time around that I love and actually look forward to doing.

Looking at this rationally and unemotionally, this is actually a blessing in disguise as I worked in a pretty toxic environment and it was nuts, but I lost my income and without that money I can’t pay my bills. It just sucks all around. And the fact that I am by nature a pretty pessimistic and unhappy person is not helping anything. I am doing what I need to do and will probably look for a part-time job to get some income coming in, but I am an emotional wreck.

I actually think part of it is that since I normally try to stay as emotionally level as possible and therefore repress my feelings this situation has just caused every emotion that I have repressed over the past couple of years to surface and it is hitting me all at once. I actually joke that I am a robot. I don’t know. As I tell my mother, everything is whatever, and everything is gray.

With all of the above said, I am now in this zone where I am trying to distract myself and I am trying to embrace unemployment. I have been given the gift of time so to speak so now it’s time to get to all my household projects that I have put off and get a steady workout routine and blogging schedule in play. I am trying to turn this awful situation I am in into a positive. I don’t know how I will do, but it’s worth giving it a shot.

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